From the Web --> Raising a Kind Daughter

Another read from facebook ...

Raising a Kind Daughter  |  This post originally appeared on KariKampakis.com.

"When my daughter Ella was in fourth grade, she got in the car one day after school and announced her plan to run for student council.

At her school each class has a representative, and I was thrilled she planned to put her name in the hat. Even if she didn't win, it would be a good experience.

She told me almost every girl in her class was running, as well as one or two boys. As kindly as possible, I mentioned the boys might have an advantage since the girl votes could be split, as that can happen in elections. I told Ella I was proud of her for putting herself out there, and that she'd make a great representative if elected.

The next day after school, Ella mentioned a dilemma she and her friend Annie had "figured out." On Friday all candidates had to give a speech. Since our family was going to the beach Friday, Ella wouldn't be there to give hers.

"But Annie had a great idea," Ella said, referencing one of her best friends, who was in Ella's class that year. "She suggested that I do a video speech, and she'll play it for everyone."

I was very touched by this suggestion from Annie. Why? Because Annie was running against Ella for student council. Yet instead of treating Ella like a competitor, she treated her like a friend.

Ella's teacher agreed to the video speech, so we made it and sent it on. I didn't think much more about the election until Friday afternoon around 3 p.m., when I was soaking up an ocean view of the Gulf Coast and received an email from Ella's teacher. She had great news: Ella had won the election! Her classmates had voted her onto student council.

Our family hugged and congratulated Ella. I could tell by the shy smile on her face what her peers' vote of confidence meant to her. About ten minutes later, my cell phone rang. It was Annie's mom (one of my close friends) calling us from her cell.

"We are so thrilled about Ella!" she said, her voice joyful and triumphant. "It was the first thing Annie told me when she got in the car! She's sooooo excited! We couldn't be happier if it happened to her!"

The phone call didn't surprise me, because that was typical for this family. What caught me off-guard was the timing of the call. These were 10-year-olds, after all, and 10-year-old emotions can be fragile. Their automatic instinct isn't always happiness for a friend who got something they wanted, too. Had the tables been turned, I'm not sure the call would have happened so fast. We may have had to work through a little disappointment -- if even for a minute -- before focusing on our friend.

But to Annie and her mom, a victory for Annie's best friend was a victory for Annie. A win for one was a win for both. If you ask me, that's the perfect illustration of true friendship. It's how it should work at every level.

All four of my girls have found friends similar to Annie. While no friendship is perfect, I've been surprised by some of the kindness I've seen at young ages. They know how to look out for a friend. They get it. And can I tell you what their kind friends all have in common? Kind mothers. Time and time again, I've become friends with the moms I meet through my children's beloved friends because they're good souls. I don't think it's a coincidence their children are, too.

We all want to raise kind daughters. We want them to be good friends and have good friends. While I give Annie full credit for supporting Ella -- she suggested the video, after all, and was quick to celebrate her win -- I know she didn't pull that mindset out of thin air. She picked it up from her family because that's how they think.

A win for a friend is a win for both. 

Kindness among young girls doesn't start on the playground or in the locker room -- it starts at home. Most notably, it starts with kind mothers raising kind daughters. Our girls see how we treat our friends. They also notice how we treat their friends. 

If we treat their friends as competitors, our daughters will, too. If we love their friends like we love our own children, they're more likely to see them as sisters and part of the family.

Keep in mind it wasn't just Annie cheering when Ella won student council. It was Annie's mom, too. She was just as enthusiastic. Can I tell you what that meant to me? Can you imagine the trust that added to our relationship?

Quite honestly, I think it's rare for both a mother and daughter to instinctively rejoice as these two did. Then again, maybe it just proves the point. 

We moms rub off on our girls. Over time our way of thinking becomes their way of thinking. If we want to raise kind daughters, we need to start by being kind mothers."

From the Web --> Mom's Plea: Please Don't Help My Kids

This came across my facebook feed and it's a great read.  Although we're a long way off from sliding at the playground I'm pretty sure that this is the kinda mom I'll be.

Mom's Plea: Please Don't Help My Kids | Written by Kate Bassford Baker

"Dear Other Parents At The Park:

Please do not lift my daughters to the top of the ladder, especially after you’ve just heard me tell them I wasn’t going to do it for them and encourage them to try it themselves.

I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn’t bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves.

They’re not here to be at the top of the ladder; they are here to learn to climb. If they can’t do it on their own, they will survive the disappointment. What’s more, they will have a goal and the incentive to work to achieve it.

In the meantime, they can use the stairs. I want them to tire of their own limitations and decide to push past them and put in the effort to make that happen without any help from me.

It is not my job — and it is certainly not yours — to prevent my children from feeling frustration, fear, or discomfort. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that those things are not the end of the world, and can be overcome or used to their advantage.

If they get stuck, it is not my job to save them immediately. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn to calm themselves, assess their situation, and try to problem solve their own way out of it.

It is not my job to keep them from falling. If I do, I have robbed them of the opportunity to learn that falling is possible but worth the risk, and that they can, in fact, get up again.

I don’t want my daughters to learn that they can’t overcome obstacles without help. I don’t want them to learn that they can reach great heights without effort. I don’t want them to learn that they are entitled to the reward without having to push through whatever it is that’s holding them back and *earn* it.

Because — and this might come as a surprise to you — none of those things are true. And if I let them think for one moment that they are, I have failed them as a mother.

I want my girls to know the exhilaration of overcoming fear and doubt and achieving a hard-won success.

I want them to believe in their own abilities and be confident and determined in their actions.

I want them to accept their limitations until they can figure out a way past them on their own significant power.

I want them to feel capable of making their own decisions, developing their own skills, taking their own risks, and coping with their own feelings.

I want them to climb that ladder without any help, however well-intentioned, from you.
Because they can. I know it. And if I give them a little space, they will soon know it, too.

So I’ll thank you to stand back and let me do my job, here, which consists mostly of resisting the very same impulses you are indulging, and biting my tongue when I want to yell, “BE CAREFUL,” and choosing, deliberately, painfully, repeatedly, to stand back instead of rush forward.

Because, as they grow up, the ladders will only get taller, and scarier, and much more difficult to climb. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather help them learn the skills they’ll need to navigate them now, while a misstep means a bumped head or scraped knee that can be healed with a kiss, while the most difficult of hills can be conquered by chanting, “I think I can, I think I can”, and while those 15 whole feet between us still feels, to them, like I’m much too far away"

Waiting for Inspiration

ON THE LIST: YARN WREATH

from Shutterly Lovely

OWL COSTUME INSPIRATION

lady bird | owl mask | wings | owl kiddo
We thought with moving to a new place that we would not have Halloween plans or the need for costumes, but we've been invited to a co-workers Halloween party and for the last week I've been racking my mind for what I can make and not spend a lot on.

Spirit Halloween opens in Bozeman a month or so before, and of course there's costumes at Target and Walmart too. Here there are all kinds of Halloween stores, but a lot of them have the same expensive stuff that doesn't always fit the right way.

I narrowed my list down to:
- a sunflower (my original idea from months ago)
- a lady bug
- 20's flapper

And then while I was blog surfing this morning, I came across this lady bird costume and from there did a couple other searches for some ideas to be an owl. I'm so excited to have a project to work on and a costume that will be original!

WEDDING: INSPIRATION BOARD

I've known for quite awhile what I wanted for wedding colors - citrus and slate - and have been keeping clippings of anything I've come across for ideas. Although there's 300+ days until our wedding I have quite a bit planned already (layout, centerpieces, bridesmaids dresses, plus some!). So . . . here's a little sneak peek, some of actual things I've picked out and a few other inspiration ideas : )

PS -- the big day is set for August 13, 2011 in Montana!